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New headmaster is a she. Monks in turmoil

The confirmation committee unloaded a bombshell earlier this morning when they announced the new headmaster is a woman.  Not only does this break with centuries of tradition, the new headmaster/mistress is not a monk. 

 

While not releasing her name, the committee did release some details. The new headmaster/mistress is a part time kitchen employee in the monastery bakery, hired for her outstanding pizza making. 

 

One day last month, when she was making pepperoni, salami and margarita pizzas, the monks noticed that every pizza had a perfect image of beloved Brother Timothy, former headmaster, directly in the center of each pie. The image of Brother Timothy miraculously appeared when each pizza was removed from the oven.

 

When word reached the committee, they considered this a sign that could not be ignored.  Considering the desperate straits the monastery was in, the committee members saw this as an act of providence pointing them in a new and bold direction.

 

Unfortunately, the news has not been well received by the monks. There is a great deal of confusion and anger in the ranks as the monks try to digest (no pun intended) these fast moving events.   Everyone is waiting for the appointment to be official and to know the name of the new headmaster/mistress. 

 

We will report any news as soon as it is released.  More later....

confirmation committee reconvenes in total secrecy

The monastery confirmation committee reconvened this morning.  A cloak of secrecy surrounds the proceedings creating more tension and confusion for the monks.  Rumors abound, some suggesting that a caretaker headmaster will be appointed until the monastery returns to normal, and most bizarre of all, a rumor that the next headmaster will be an outsider, some one who is not currently a monk in the order.

It is this last rumor that is getting the most attention.  Giovanni and Franco have worked tirelessly to bring some semblance of order to the day to day proceedings, but to  little avail.  The monks are in no mood to return to a normal routine while this turmoil swirls around them.

Whatever happens the new headmaster will be facing  the most difficult time in the monastery's history.  Still unresolved is the pending bankruptcy. In addition the undisclosed scandal that ended the profitable beer making additive business, the nervous breakdown of Brother Timothy, the rejection of the popular Brother Joseph as headmaster, and the discovery that the order and the monks are fictitious have all added to Rome's displeasure

If an outsider is appointed, who could it be?  Strangest of all, it is being whispered among the monks that this outsider is someone who worked in the monastery kitchen, adding even more mystery to these strange proceedings.  

We have been told there is a possibility that the committee will have a decision by 12 noon tomorrow.  There will be little sleep at the monastery tonight.

More later 

Monastery stunned by rejection of Brother Joseph

A surprise announcement was just released by the monastery confirmation committee considering Brother Joseph's permanent appointment as headmaster. The committee rejected Brother Joseph with little comment other than to say the rejection was due to what was called inconsistent behavior not in the best tradition of monastery headmasters.

The monks were stunned by the announcement since most believed that the committee's approval of Joseph was merely a formality.  While there is little information available at this time, a reliable source told us what eventually turned the committee against Joseph was the statement that his years working in the monastery stable made him likely to have a more liberal view in his leadership direction. Most committee members considered this position to be elitist. Also, Joseph's apparent discrimination against bald headed monks was a factor.

Brother Joseph is in seclusion and was not available for comment.  This may not be the end of the surprises.  We have reason to believe that bigger surprises are still coming when they announce the name of the new candidate for headmaster.  Rome is expected to approve the committee's decision since they had voiced their displeasure of Brother Joseph's plan to make world peace into a viable product.

Giovanni and Franco are said to be with Brother Joseph during this difficult time and are not available for comment.  The monastery still faces many problems including the pending bankruptcy caused by than Brother Timothy's medical bills. No one seems to know where this is going and the issue of being fictitious is creating even more friction.  More later.

major snag delays Brother Joseph's confirmation

A major snag has developed in the confirmation hearings for Brother Joseph.  Committee members discovered a statement made twenty years ago by Joseph at a monk conference where he was a principal speaker.

At the time the conference was considering the leadership traits necessary for a monastery headmaster.  Brother Joseph was quoted as saying "it made sense to him that a monk who had spent several years working manually in a stable was in a better position to make impartial judgments as to the well being of his fellow monks". 

This statement when added to the previous charge that Brother Joseph showed partiality in assigning work assignments to monks with longer hair has raised the level of controversy over his permanent appointment.

Some committee members have anonymously said they may now consider a surprise new candidate for headmaster.  Many committee members took personal affront by Joseph's position since none of the members have ever worked in a stable and most were bald.  More later.

closer to confirmation?

The monastery confirmation committee moved closer to appointing Brother Joseph as permanent headmaster after his convincing testimony regarding his impartiality and affection for bald headed monks.

Some committee members were close to tears as Brother Joseph told of his early years in the order when he worked in the monastery stables shoveling manure with dedication and love.  He asked the committee how could he be anything else but fair to his brother monks after such humble beginnings?

Some skeptics seemed more inclined to confirm when Brother Joseph pledged he would keep his head shaved as long as necessary to show his solidarity with all of his bald headed brothers.

The committee may vote tomorrow if today's testimony has no more surprises.

confirmation committee rejects head shaving as a stunt

The monks at the monastery were shocked earlier today at the morning prayer session when Brother Joseph appeared for the meeting with his head shaved.

An inside source leaked to us, Brother Joseph was determined to show solidarity with the bald monks at the monastery to counter charges that he was partial to long-haired monks when giving out work assignments. 

Most of the monks seemed confused by the situation.  However, members of the confirmation committee considering Brother Joseph's life long appointment as head master, were not amused.

One member was quoted as saying "this is pure grandstanding, a stunt to gain sympathy with the bald headed members of the committee.  It  will not work". The member refused to let us use his name, but we need to report, he was bald.

 

Will Brother Joseph be confirmed as new headmaster?

Brother Joseph's permanent appointment as new headmaster of the monastery is now in question.  Serious charges have surfaced from the confirmation committee as to Brother Joseph's partiality to monks who have longer hair.

The charges stem from an incident thirty years ago when Brother Joseph was in charge of work assignments for novice monks.  Several monks have charged that choice assignments went to monks with longer hair even though monks with shorter hair or no hair at all were obviously more qualified.

Brother Joseph has no comment at this time.  Several monks who knew Brother Joseph at the time say that he was simply following the precedent of the monastery to favor longer hair in order to attract more candidates to the monkhood.  This looks to be an allegation that many are taking seriously, even though it will probably not affect the final confirmation vote.  

More later. 

emergency meeting regarding world peace as a product

Brother Joseph was forced to call an emergency meeting at the monastery after Rome seriously questioned the idea of making world peace into a viable, saleable product.  The stern rebuke from their superiors caught Giovanni, Franco and the other monks completely by surprise.

Rome's main concern is the distinction between being an advocate for world peace as compared to actually defining and producing a real product that is world peace.  Certainly it is everyone's duty to be an advocate for world peace, however, once it is defined and made real, serious political and economic realities must be considered.

Ironically, if world peace is defined and made real it could lead to conflict and war because of the disagreements that would arise over deciding what world peace is.  This concern from Rome has left Brother Joseph. Giovanni, Franco and the other monks very confused.  We are going to have to wait and see what develops.

 

new hope at the monastery

Brother Joseph feels the worst is behind them as he tries to get the monastery back to a regular routine.  The potential bankruptcy still looms as a major problem, but their financial advisors feel this may be a positive since many of the major financial institutions in the country are facing the same problem.  The pending bankruptcy gives them some credibility as a "major player" in the market.

Since the still unnamed scandal destroyed the beer mash additive business that was the basis for their original wealth, Brother Joseph continues to look for a new business idea.  Which leads us to Giovanni and Franco's idea of making "world peace" into a product.    We have the transcripts from their conversations now that they have been approved by the CCMT, the committee on correct monastery thinking. Here's what we have so far.

F. Ok let’s see if this time we can make this work. We need something quick or we are going back to the kitchen.  The idea came to me a few minutes ago while meditating on the virtues of "spiritual capitalism".  How can we make money selling world peace?

 

G.  I am not sure you are all here with this spiritual capitalism obsession.  Some of us are getting a little worried about it.  This and being fictitious at the same time may be more than any of us can handle. 

 

F. Wait a minute -  dam it, you're  always prejudging everything.  Here me out!  We live in a culture that pays homage to anything that can make a buck.  How come an idea that would bring more happiness to everyone can't be sold as an advertising idea?   Any product designer would kill if they could make a product that could bring as much good as world peace. 

  

G. First problem: is world peace a product?  What does it look like?  Have you ever seen it?  Who makes it?  Since it does't exist and no one has ever had it ---- beginning to get the idea why nothing has ever been done with it.  How is this for an obstacle -- what makes you think anybody really wants it?

 

F  You have got to be kidding.  Isn’t world peace the idea and platitude that all politicians work into their shtick?  They are either proposing it or lamenting its absence.  Just check any national election campaign and its going to show up.

 

G  Wait a  minute, I think I might be getting this.  It’s easy to be for something that no one would recognize if it called their name. .  Besides, since no one knows what it is, no one expects you do deliver on it anyway.  It’s the politicians dream idea.  Something good that everyone agrees with but will never have to be done, since no one knows what it is.   Besides, have you ever thought how dull the world might be if we had a world at peace. 

 

F. Exactly, how would you define yourself if you were not superior to something or someone?  What would the standard be? Being for world peace is perfect.  You can be for it and never have to do anything about it since no one knows what it is.

 

G.  I think you've got something here --  an idea that everyone thinks they want.  An idea that no one really knows what it is, even though they want it.  A product or idea that you can sell but will never have to be made --- My god a product that no one expects to see in their lifetime! It’s an advertising dream, the perfect product that everyone wants but the product that no one would recognize.   On second thought - do you think anyone is going to buy this?  It's so easy to see through. 

 

F.  Of course it is, but don’t you get it.  Everyone wants it because it’s impossible not to be for it.  Can you imagine anyone at a cocktail party or hanging out at the local village square saying they are against world peace? 

 

MORE LATER.

More on Brother Timothy's return to mental health

An unexpected bit of good news was just received at the monastery regarding Arch Bishop Timothy's  mental condition.  His psychotherapist informed Brother Joseph that their former headmaster was considered cured of "fictitiouseosis", a mental illness defined as "not being able to cope with being fictitious".

The cure came about when former Brother Timothy realized that his being fictitious was caused by a permanent state of hallucinating.  He was convinced by his therapist that since his condition is permanent it represented some sort of normality.  It became easier for him to accept when he was told that this was the way most politicians are able to survive.

Of some interest is that we now know that being fictitious did not interfere with his new duties as Arch Bishop of his imaginary province.  In many ways it made his decision making process more efficient. 

The announcement of the Arch Bishop's recovery was very good news for the monks who saw hope for some  legitimacy to their own precarious reality.

More later as it develops.