Musings..
I know we all have relationships, but do you have an authentic relationship? Some background and explanation are necessary. Notice I kept it singular since for most of us, if we have one authentic relationship, we are indeed among the fortunate.
What is an authentic relationship? For starters it is unconditional. By that I mean exactly what the words say. You have a person who will stand by you regardless – as they say “through hell and high water.”
The only thing that comes to mind is “Mother.” Isn’t this what most mothers do – stand by their offspring regardless of the consequences.
Now let’s see if we can make this more realistic and leave the ideal behind and deal with the world we experience each day. First, we have to understand most relationships are an implied contract. What they are not are covenants, promises made to each other to be obeyed and followed without condition.
Interestingly, if you listen to the words of the marriage ceremony, each person is promising to obey and follow a covenant - not a contract. I often wonder why people bother uttering the words they do during the marriage ceremony when it is obvious many don’t mean them, since at least half of the marriages end in divorce.
Back to friendships - since the contract between friends is implied, this is where it gets tricky. What is implied and do both parties clearly understand - and if so, do they agree to it? Since the answer for most of us is no, we can see why most relationships are shipwrecked early into the journey.
The first hurdle of any relationship is when one party has to say "no" to the other. Now not all “no’s” are equal, some can be serious enough to threaten the relationship. However, most are not. This does not mean they do not create difficult situations that can be troubling, because they often do.
The good news is that most of these situations are learning experiences that help develop tolerance for the other person. If we care and are reasonably committed to each other, we are willing to endure differences.
Now as to these differences, it is often said that most successful relationships are 80–20 – one person is giving 80 percent the other, 20. The catch is, in successful relationships, the person giving the 80 percent keeps changing back and forth to each other. It is only when one party is overburdened with the heavy lifting that the relationship begins to suffer.
Now all of this is for naught if there is not a fundamental commitment that the parties make to each other, either directly stated or implied, and understood clearly by each person. The commitment is simple: to be willing to ride out the rough times and make things work. Without this, nothing works.
Obviously, there are degrees, but within the understood boundaries there is a mutual acceptance of the value of the relationship to each other that makes working out the difficulties worth the effort.
As we asked in the beginning what makes for an authentic relationship? I believe the willingness to accept the differences in each other and accommodate them in a friendly and loving way. This allows each person to be comfortable and accepting of the give and take that goes on each day. If you have this, you have the foundation and that is a good starting place.
But never forget, the health of all your relationships begins with the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.
Brother Franco
Musings is a feature of “The Pizzaonian” a division of the Pizzaonian Newsertainment Network, Diverti Mento, editor
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