Today’s conjectures are from Sister Veronica, Supreme Pizzaonian
The following thoughts are my reflections after spending many hours mentoring portalized Pizzaonians.
“The person who loves the least controls the relationship.” Unknown
It seems in most intimate relationships, one person has control. If so, the control inevitably is with the person who loves the least. I do not mean that the person who loves the least does not love – they just don’t love as much.
When sharing these thoughts with friends, I was reminded that perhaps my definitions are wrong. The person who loves the least may be loving you to the fullest extent of their capability. So, the “least” may be the best they are capable of being.
We should not have to worry over such things in a healthy relationship. However, as I have discovered in my counseling sessions, if you are the person who loves the most, you probably have grown used to daily frustration. The following thoughts are mainly for you.
One exception should be noted. There are pseudo relationships where both parties love the least; it is just a matter of degree. For them, they are no longer in a relationship: they are living in an “accommodation.” Here, each person does what they need to do for themselves, and on those occasions when their personal needs coincide, they do them together.
I am sure if you take a moment to think of the people you know, you will find friends who fit the above descriptions. Incidentally, don’t exclude yourself from this exercise.
However, I believe, if you are in a loving, but not equal relationship, most of us can work it out within ourselves if we are willing to be honest with ourselves. While this is simply said, there is nothing simple about being honest with yourself.
Often we can tell who is who by the way a person uses pronouns. The people who love the most will use “we, us and ours.” The people who love the least will use “I, me and mine.” If you are a dedicated listener, these distinctions soon become obvious.
All of this begs the question. If these reflections are true, what do you do about it? What happens if both persons are doing the best they can do? Some introspection helps here. First, how unhappy are you with the relationship as it now exists. If you love the person, that may be enough. A realistic appraisal of what you feel, can give you a sense of what action you need to take. Often, if you can accept this more philosophical approach, accepting what you can and cannot change will work.
For those who find themselves more emotional in how they react, acceptance may not be a satisfactory option. Like most problems, emotional or otherwise, how much your life is affected by the position you find yourself in will have a lot to do with what you need to do.
If you find yourself often angry, with little outlet to express your anger, the status quo is not acceptable. The other consideration is how important is the relationship to you? If the relationship is important and shared love is still the driving motivator, finding a way to improve the relationship is very important to your well being. If this is where you find yourself, self-help may not be enough. You may need outside help to find a satisfactory solution.
One way of solving relationship issues is to find out how much you are contributing to the problem. For one, you may have an unrealistic expectation of your partner’s ability to satisfactorily react according to your expectations.
From my experience, an unrealistic expectation of your partner’s ability to meet your emotional needs is usually at the root of the problem. Your emotional needs are not being met because your partner, at this point in his or her life, is not capable of doing so.
They may be loving you to the fullest extent of their capacity to love. Hard as this is to accept, embracing this reality forces you to make a decision. The question: Is your love for your partner strong enough to accept this. If so, be grateful for what you have and get on with your life.
Footnote: Never forget the possiblility that the person who loves the least today may be the person who loves the most tomorrow.
Sister Veronica, Supreme Pizzaonian, for “The Pizzaonian.”
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